Newman Saves The World
by Steve61
Summary: Newman encounters an explosive device on his mail run, and is determined to find the culprit with Kramer's help.


EXTERIOR SHOT - A PANNING VIEW OF THE NEW YORK CITY SKYLINE

Newman (voice-over); My name is Norman Newman. I'm a United States Postal Employee, badge number 07051989. I live at 129 West 81st Street, New York down the hall from my mortal enemy, the detestable Jerry Seinfeld.

INTERIOR SHOT - PANNING NEWMAN'S APARTMENT

Starting from the wide open window where numerous pigeons have entered and made themselves at home inside the apartment, we find Newman asleep on his couch, food stains on his shirt Generic live audience laughter from a sitcom can be heard blaring from his TV. A blob of pigeon doo-doo splatters his shirt from above, unnoticed by the sleeping Newman.

Newman (voice-over); I have a belly full of pepperoni pizza, hot Cajun wings, and a six-pack of Canada Dry ginger ale.. I'm also gonna save the world today!

INTERIOR SHOT - A COMEDY CLUB

We see an empty room except for Jerry and one drunk in the shadows in the audience.

Newman (voice-over); This is how I see Seinfeld's 'act';

Jerry; So, what's the deal with what's the deal with the dealing of what?

Man In Audience; Booo! Booo!" You suck!

Jerry; So, anyways, as I was saying-

Man In Audience; BOOOO!

Jerry; Geez, it's getting hot in here, isn't it? Or is it just me?

Man; It's you, ya wuss! You suck! Get off the stage, ya schmuck!

Jerry; Dad! I'm trying my best!

Man (aka Morty Seinfeld); That's what pisses me off!

INTERIOR SHOT - A NON-DESCRIPT ROOM

George is listening to someone, then leans forward.

Newman (voice-over); This is Costanza, Seinfeld's best friend;

George; You-

Newman (voice-over); Okay, enough about him!

EXTERIOR SHOT - THE BEACH

A beautiful sunny day at the beach, with waves crashing and seagulls calling out in a panning shot that stops on a lovely brunette lounging on a colorful towel. She's wearing sunglasses, a sun hat, and the tiniest possible bikini known to man. She slowly takes a sip of lemonade in slow motion, as angelic singers sing _'Madame Butterfly'._

Newman (voice-over): And this...this is Elaine Benes, a curvaceous, adorably lovely gift from the Gods that I secretly yearn for, but am cursed to remain as cut off from as if we are marooned in two different, but identical universes.

Elaine (seductively); Hellooo...Newmie!

The music abruptly ends as the record needle makes a scratching 'VRRT!' sound.

Newman; Okay, okay, that's enough of that, too! Time for that some other time, since she's not really a part of my mission!

EXTERIOR SHOT - NEW YORK CITY

We see an aerial view of the sprawling metropolis, gradually looking down at the streets and slowly zooming in on a United States Postal truck.

Newman (voice-over): But, this story doesn't concern any of those people. Not yet, at least. Let's start from the beginning...

INTERIOR SHOT - POSTAL TRUCK

Newman is driving the truck, belting out his (off-key) rendition of Bon Jovi's _'You Give Love A Bad Name'._

Newman; ...Shot through the heart and you're to blame! You give love a bad name, bad name! I play my part and you play your games! You give love a bad name, bad name!

Newman )voice-over); I know what you're thinking; why didn't I ever pursue my one true love, but singing wasn't my thing. Not in public, at least. And not sober and in public! Anyways, it was a nice, sunny October morning, after a 90-minute coffee break, that my life changed forever!

Newman; ...Your very first kiss was your first kiss goodbyeeee! Ohh, you're a loaded gun, YEAH! There's nowhere to run, no one can save me, the damage is done...

Newman (voice-over): Dang, I'm good!

EXTERIOR SHOT - A HOUSE AND FRONT YARD

Newman approaches a house with a few letters in his hand, but stops abruptly as we hear a 'splotch' sound. He looks down and grimaces as he realizes he's stepped in dog manure. He looks up and spots a German Shepherd behind the fence, staring and panting at him.

Newman (voice-over); I know he's only panting, but I could swear ol' Rex is actually smiling at my bad luck! I don't know how he does it, but I'll have my revenge on that dirty dog some day! Oh, yes...I will!

Mr. Pantalone; Morning, Mista Newkie!

Newman; Uh, it's 'Newman', Mr. Pantalone, and I wish you'd-

Mr. Pantalone; EH?

Newman; 'Newman'! My name is is New-

Mr. Pantalone; Aw, nuthin' much new with a me! Howzabouta you?!

Newman; I'm fine. Okay. Fine.

Mr. Pantalone; EEHHH?!

Newman (resigned, shoves mail into the old man's hands): Here's your mail.

Mr. Pantalone; Oooh, that's nice, innit?! HEY! You didn't crumple my mail like normal! That'sa good boy!

Newman; Yeahyeahyeah. (Under his breathe, and turning away) I hope it's an eviction notice!

EXTERIOR SHOT - AN APARTMENT BUILDING

Newman (voice-over); And then_...it_ happened!

Carrying a package from his truck towards an apartment building, Newman becomes aware of a sound coming from the package, then shakes it a little, and finally realizes that it's ticking...like a bomb!

Newman (setting the package on the ground and running in a panic in circles); Geez! Code Boom! Code Boom!

He sees a group of Girl Scouts approach him and the package, looks back and forth between it, and suddenly finds the courage to pick up the suspected bomb, and run with it.

Girl Scout (waving boxes of Girl Guide cookies); Hey, mister! Come back! We know you want these!

About to drop it off on the corner of the street, he sees a trio of women pushing baby strollers approaching him, so he runs away into another direction, his face contorted with fear and from the weight of the package in his arms. He encounters group of Japanese tourists exiting a tour bus, who immediately start taking his picture. He runs away from them.

EXTERIOR SHOT - A PARK

Next, he runs towards the park, and has to dodge people playing with their dogs, one of which barks and chases after him for a few seconds, and runs past some people throwing a Frisbee to each other, getting hit by not one, but two Frisbees as he runs past them. Then he runs past a bunch of old men on the bench, and one sitting by himself on another one.

Lone Old Man (giggling to himself); Costanza...Cantstandya! Heehehhehee! Cantstandya!

Newman, gasping for breath and nearly unable to run anymore comes to stop and finally sets down the package on the grass and begins to walk away.

Voice (off-camera); HEY! You can't leave that there! Pick it up! NOW!

Newman (gasping and waving off the comment): N-no...thanks! Forget...it!

We see that the voice belongs to a biker, one of a several motorcycle gang members that are hanging out in the park.

Biker; What did you just say?!

When Newman sees who's telling him to pick up the ticking package, he quickly changes his mind, grabs the package and runs away.

Newman (voice-over); Sometimes, you just can't get rid of a bomb!

Newman runs up to a post office box, which conveniently already has its big opening wide open, and dumps the package into the box, as he notices whiffs of smoke in the air. Walking away from it, slowing catching his breath, the box is destroyed by a muffled explosion. He stares in shock at the crumpled, smouldering, but somewhat intact box.

Newman (voice-over); And that was when I realizes that I, Newman, had to save the world from this mad bomber!

EXTERIOR SHOT - JERRY'S APARTMENT BUILDING

By the fading sunlight it looks like early evening

INTERIOR SHOIT - JERRY'S APARTMENT

We find Kramer sprawled out on Jerry's couch, forcing Jerry to stand, while holding his phone. Kramer's in one of his moods, and Jerry just wants to make the call and get it over with.

Jerry; What's wrong with Santino's? They make great pizza!

Kramer (holding up a hand like a traffic cop); Whoop! Now way, Jose! The last time I ordered from Santino's I got attitude from the delivery guy!

Jerry; You were trying to pay with that Bulgarian money you found at Poppy's restaurant!

Kramer; Hey, it's not my fault if they don't accept the lev! It's a perfectly nice currency! Other than having drawings of, you know, complete strangers on the bank notes that looked like they were photocopies made at Kinko's, they were perfectly legal tender!

Jerry; Sure. In Bulgaria!

Kramer; Anyways, I don't think Santino's uses real pepperoni! It tasted a little mayonnaisy!

Jerry; How the heck does pepperoni taste like mayonnaise?!

Kramer; My point exactly! But, Santino's did it! It's wrong, Jerry! It's just wrong!

Jerry (getting exasperated); Then how about Big Tony's? It's just a couple blocks-

Kramer; I gotta have Ray's_ Pizza-Like-No-Other Pizza_! It was the best! Me and Mickey must've eaten four large ones in a row! Darn, that little guy can really pack them away!

Jerry; Which Ray's? Half the city's pizzerias have the name 'Ray' in them!

Kramer; I forget which one it was. We were in a binge-fest of watching back-to-back episodes of '_MacGyver_'.

Jerry; Was it Ray's on 54th?

Kramer; No.

Jerry; Ray's on Broadway and West 4th?

Kramer; No.

Jerry; Famous Ray's?

Kramer; No.

Jerry; Fat Ray's?

Kramer; No.

Jerry; Fantastic Ray's

Kramer; No.

Jerry; Good ol' Ray's?

Kramer; Uh-uh.

Jerry; Big Ray's?

Kramer (thinking for a moment that that was the one); Um...no.

Jerry; New York Ray's?

Kramer; Ye- no.

Jerry; Downtown Ray's?

Kramer; Nope.

Jerry; Gay Ray's?

Kramer; Not that there's anything wrong with that, but...nope.

Jerry; Delirious Ray's?

Kramer; No.

Jerry; Smelly Ray's?

Kramer; No.

Jerry; Drunk Ray's?

Kramer; No.

Jerry; Kleptomaniac Ray's?

Kramer; No;

Jerry; You realize those last five names were just names I made up?

Kramer (looking confused and embarrassed); No.

Jerry; I'm ordering Chinese.

Kramer (enthusiastically sitting up); Even better! I know a place with the name 'Wong' in it! Now, what was the rest of it...?

Jerry stares at Kramer like he wants to kick him.

A rapid-fire knocking is heard at his door, so Jerry answers it. It's Newman.

Jerry (sneering); Hellooo, N-

Newman (entering): No time for our clichéd jibber-jabber, funny boy! Kramer! I gotta talk to you! Right now!

Jerry; Why? Need a big, strong man to open up a stubborn jar of pickles?

Newman (ignoring Jerry); Something happened at work! I gotta talk to you about it!

Kramer (standing up from the couch, taking it casually); Very well! Meet me in my office!

Newman; Stop joking! This is big-big-big! B-I-G big!

Jerry; What is? Your cookie budget?

Kramer and Newman enter Kramer's apartment across the hall.

INTERIOR SHOT - KRAMER'S APARTMENT

Newman has just finished telling his friend what happened to him and Kramer is thinking about it.

Newman; So that's it! The whole story! I came right over here to ask you what I should do next!

Kramer; About you blowing up a post office box?

Newman fidgeting in the chair and waving has hands): SSHHHH! Not so loud! 'They' have ears everywhere! And I wasn't going to put it in there, but a scary dude made me! I'd run out of options! And 12 seconds later, ka-blooey! No more Newman! Or at the very least, my shirt would have been damaged! But, still, I, a United States postal worker damaged United States Postal property! But, I still have to tell them what happened! I have to warn them! This could have world-wide consequences! This could the first of a series of bombs! It could hit London! Paris! Washington D.C.!

Kramer (nodding); Or even Ipswich, but it doesn't matter! You gotta tell your bosses about this! Who was the package addressed to? And who sent it?

Newman; I dunno.

Kramer; What do you mean you don't know?!

Newman; I don't know! I don't look at that stuff! That's a job for the turkeys in Sorting!

Kramer; Then how do you deliver the mail?!

Newman; Okayokayokay, I _look_ at the address, once I'm right in front of the house or apartment, give it a glance, but this time...nada. I don't remember the details.

Kramer; Okay, then just tell them that you heard an anonymous report from somebody and it might match the package you delivered. They'll just write it off, the mail box I mean, but maybe they'll get somebody to trace the origin of the package. It's the least you can do!

Guilted into taking this course of action, Newman reluctantly nods in agreement.

Kramer; At the very least, you gotta do it because I walk in that park, too!

EXTERIOR SHOT - MAIN POST OFFICE BUILDING

Newman )voice-over); So, this is it. The place where the magic happens. My own Bat-cave, my own Avengers mansion. Where the Big Boys play, and run the world through the post office. And I'm going to save that world with their help!

INTERIOR SHOT - MAIN POST OFFICE BUILDING HALLWAY

We find Newman amongst a group of people walking down a hallway, stopping outside a series of doors.

Gary; Sorry about the late notice for the meeting, but Postal Employee Newman was most urgent that this meeting take place. Also, I'm sorry for the cramped conditions, but meeting room Double-X J-9 was the only one available to us.

INTERIOR SHOT - MEETING ROOM DOUBLE-X J-9

Gary opens the door and it barely opens all the way as the door bumps into the corner of the large meeting table in the small room. The room is so small that the table takes up 80 % of the room, and the chairs are almost jammed up against the edge of the table.

The people enter, each speaking randomly over each other, excusing themselves or grunting or mumbling unintelligibly as they struggle to make it to a chair. One man climbs on top of the chairs to make it to a seat at the rear of the room, while a woman climbs on top of the table on all fours to reach the one across from him, nearly tipping over the jug of water and some glasses set in the middle of the table. The man that climbed on top of chairs bumps into the overhead light, causing it to swing back and forth, creating odd spot-light moments, before he steadies it, and squeezes down into a chair. Newman and Gary are the last ones to enter, but as their co-workers struggle to squeeze into the chairs and get comfortable, even they have a hard time getting into the chair at the head of the table and the one beside it. Once everyone has made it into a seat, the meeting begins.

Gary; Now then, I think we should introduce everyone here. I'm Supervisor 194, Mr. Newman's superior, but you can call me 'Gary'. This is Deputy-Director Uddenberg of Sector Blue-5; Junior Deputy of Efficiencies and Continuity for Sector Blue-5, Gonzales; Secondary Sol-..

Gonzales; Actually, the 'G' is silent.

Gary; Uh, okay. Here we have Uber-Secondary Solicitor for the West Side, Teeley, of Blue-5, and her Adjutant. Next we have-

Gonzales (to Adjutant); Excuse me, who are you?

Adjutant; They call me Mister Tibbs!

Gary; In the back, over there, is the Tertiary Head of Office Supplies and Celebrity Stamps, Kilroy-

Uddenberg (whispering to Gonzales); Whoa! Didn't know Kilroy was here!

Gary; And this is Postal Worker Newman, number 07051989, whose experience out in the field is the reason I've gathered all of you here.

An extended series of greetings is next, as people repeat the names and ranks given by Gary, people shake hands across the table and beside them, each person greeting just about everyone else, even a second time by accident, Gonzales asks everyone if they want a cup of water from the jug, but everyone declines, as someone mentions having not seen the other 'since that nasty business with the Costa Ricans!'.

Gary; Okay, now that we have introductions out of the way, has everyone signed their confidentiality forms?

Gonzales; I have! Nobody here is as confident as I am!

The others stare at him, but rather than argue the point, they hand Gary their forms.

Gary; Then, let's get to the heart of the matter, namely the explosive device in the package that destroyed Mail Box 17878-Omega-Orange-Beta-Banana-0007.

Teeley (raising a hand); Oh! Excuse me, but isn't this the meeting regarding the _Victoria's Secrets_'s catalogs being delivered to the Humpty Dumpty Day Care Center the past 2 years?

Gary; Uh, no. This is with reference to File K-7. The exploding mail box.

Gonzales (helpfully to Teeley); 17878-Omega-Orange-Beta-Banana-0007.

Teeley; Oh, forgive me! I must have the wrong meeting! Please excuse me.

The woman struggles to climb back up on top of the table from the back of the room, amidst voice-overs of the other postal employees, when Tibbs realizes he has to leave, too, being her Adjutant, so he climbs across the table on all fours, as well, eventually making it out of the room by squeezing through the door that can't be opened all the way.

Gary; Now, that that's settled, let's discuss our options and what to do.

Gonzales; We should call the President.

Uddenberg; Of the United States?!

Gonzales; No, of Cuba! What do you think?! Are you saying that because I'm _Latino_?!

Uddenberg; Why does your accent only come out when you say 'Latino'?

Gonzales; Oh, yeah? Wanna see my fists come out when I say '_Latino_', instead, mi amigo?!

Gary; Gentlemen, gentlemen! We're in this together!

Gonzales; Thank you, Supervisor.

Gary; That said, calling the President is a stupid idea. (Gonzales pouts and crosses his arms)

Kilroy; He always wants to call the President! This isn't _'Air Force One'_ and you're not Harrison Ford!

Gonzales; Oh, so you're saying there'll never be a _Latino _President of the United States?!

Kilroy; I never said that.

Uddenberg; He never said that.

Gary; Can we get back to the reason for-

Gonzales; Just you wait! Edward James Olmos could run and he'd beat-

Uddenberg; The Mexican guy? I thought you wanted a Cuban-born president?

Newman; I thought he was Greek?

Gary; Can we please have order?!

Kilroy; Well, if he started off as Vice-President-

Gonzales; Why? Why?! Why does he have to work for The Man, first?! Why can't he-?!

Newman sinks in his seat as the meeting dissolves into chaos with everyone talking over each other and nothing accomplished.

EXTERIOR SHOT - NEW YORK PUBLIC LIBRARY

At an odd 45 degrees angle, aiming up towards the building and Newman, we see him gasping for breath as he hesitates climbing the steps, looks around, then continues on into the building.

Newman (voice-over); Ya want something done...ya gotta do it _yourself!_

INTERIOR SHOT - NEW YORK PUBLIC LIBRARY

Music-over; we hear the acoustic, thumping beat of _'Eye Of The Tiger' _by Survivor.

We see multiple scenes of Newman in library, starting out with daytime scenes, gradually darkening to show him up all night, doing research, the scenes punctuated by the drumbeats of the song, as he retrieves one book after another from the shelves. We see people peering over his shoulder, and him covering his work, other people disgusted that he's somehow able to eat a bucket of KFC at the table and not get into trouble.

We also see Newman grab an old book and quickly whip through the pages, accidently tearing off a page of a dusty, and possibly expensive book. He quietly panics with bulging eyes, licks the pages to stick it back into the book, thinks about what to do with it, and surreptitiously slides it amongst some books another library patron has taken off the shelf.

Newman (jumping out of his chair); Oh my God! I did it! I DID IT! I can't believe I found out who's responsible! So _that's_ who invented Pez! Wow! Fascinating stuff!

Library Patrons; SSHHHH!

Mister Bookman; Keep it down, Roly-Poly, or I'll fine you under Section 47 of the Library Conduct and Behavior Proclamations!

Newman (voice-over); Well, that was fun. Guess I should get back to finding out who's been sending those dangerous packages through the post office! I think I might have accidently gotten side-tracked from my original plan to save the world!

EXTERIOR SHOT - NEWMAN'S APARTMENT

We see a bunch of pigeons landing on Newman's window pane, which has a pair of nests built on them.

INTERIOR SHOT - NEWMAN'S APARTMENT

We find Newman and Kramer sitting in his messy living room, the two of them eating. Or at least, Newman is eating a Pop Tart, but Kramer has stopped eating to stare in confusion at his friend.

Kramer; You know, you're eating that Pop Tart all wrong.

Newman: No I'm not. I'm right handed.

Kramer; What does that have to do with anything? No, buddy, I mean you're eating it the wrong way! It's upside down!

Newman stares at his Pop Tart, makes a face like 'Is this another crazy Kramer idea?' as he turns it around, and starts to eat what was the bottom of the toaster pastry.

Newman; Ooooo-kaaaaay. Better?

Kramer (impatient and incredulous, as if Newman stuck his Pop Tart in his ear instead of his mouth); No, no, no, no, noooo! Like _this!_

Kramer demonstrates by flipping the Pop Tart over, so that the icing is hidden now, facing the floor, instead of 'up' and visible. He takes a bite, raises an eyebrow like Mister Spock, and acts like he's just shown a caveman how to start fire.

Kramer; See? The icing is on the bottom, _not _the top!

Newman (rolling his eyes); And precisely why, pray tell?

Kramer; It's obvious, my chunky friend! With the icing facing downwards, your tongue is subjected to a veritable plethora of flavors and sensations you never could have dreamed about! Before, when you bit into a Pop Tart, what did you taste? The bland, but reliable crust. And then, many, many arduous seconds later, you were allowed to experience the icing, once your pudgy tongue had finished rolling it about, and your teeth had crunched the hell out of it!

Newman (shrugging, and biting into his flipped-over Pop Tart); Hey. That's not such a bad idea! You get a hit a flavor right away!

Kramer; _ I know!_ After all, besides the fruity filling, what's the best part of a Pop Tart?

Newman (hesitating, then answering; The...icing?

Kramer; YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT IT IS! What the hell else could it be?! The imitation drywall cardboard crust?! That's just bulk material holding the icing and fruity filling together until we shove these things down our pie holes!

Newman; They should start a TV campaign about this! It'll make them millions more once the general public gets wind of our idea!'

Kramer; "Our idea'? _'OUR'?!_

Newman; I think you've had enough sugar for tonight!

Kramer (rubbing his head); I think you're right. So, uh, what were we talking about?

Newman (sounding obvious); Uh...the _mail bomb_?! Countless lives impacted by the damage?

Kramer; Oh, yeah, oh, right. How did we get so distracted? Well, hell, Newman, that's kinda important, don't you think? Stop distracting me with your fumbling and bumbling Pop Tart habits!

Newman (sarcastically); Sorry!

Kramer; No prob, buddy. (slaps his hands together). Right! So! Let's focus! Go-go-gadget intellect! Um. You know what? These Pop Tarts are making me thirsty! Hey, ya got any Snapple?

Newman (covering his face with his free hand); Oh, geeeez.

Newman keeps his eyes covered, takes another bite of his upside down Pop Tart, shrugs that he likes it better this way, and keeps chewing, while we hear Kramer rummaging through Newman's kitchen off-camera, items clinking into each other or dropping to the floor.

Kramer;...Snapple...more Snapple...chocolate milk...nah...beer...six bottles of ketchup... hmm! We do like our condiments, eh, Newman? Latvian Farmer's red wine, huh? Some other time. Where's the...whoa! That's a lot of potatoes, Newman!

EXTERIOR SHOT - A HOUSE

Newman (voice-over); With almost no clues to go on, I delivered my mail as usual, but asked for information in anyway I could.

Mr. Bookman from the New York Public Library opens the door, looking Newman up an down, and yanks the small package out of Newman's hand.

Bookman; You didn't see this.

Newman; See what?

Bookman (looking past Newman out into the street): Books on tape. I mail-order books on tape.

Newman; But you work at the public library! With real books!

Bookman; No kidding, Sherlock! But, I like them this way. Takes up less space. Get to hear all kinds of people read to me, instead of doing it myself! Sometimes celebrities! Heard one with William Shatner reading _'One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest_'! Almost made me cry, it was so beautifully spoken! Even guys with accents doing the foreigner parts. No confusion about what chapter I left off! Just shut the tape player off and on as I please! A guy's gotta unwind some time, doesn't he, Mister Maily-Mailman, right?!

Newman; I'm cool with that. But, you know, I was trying to find out about something that happened the other day-

Bookman(ignoring Newman's comment); Okay, so I like books on tape! It's not a crime! You wanna see crime? Check out the True Crime section in the New York Public Library! Helluva lotta crimes going on out there, Big Boy, let me tell you! And none of them have anything to do with books on tape! Okay?!

Newman (resigned and walking away); Have a nice day.

EXTERIOR SHOT - ANOTHER HOUSE, ANOTHER FRONT DOOR

Newman is handing a tall man his delivery

Newman; Oh, Mr. Braun, I see you've received your latest edition of _''Encyclopedia Psychosis'. _Funny thing about psychosis..sissis...recently in the park-

Llyod Braun (in a monotone, and unblinking); I'm learning new things. All the time.

Llyod just stares straight ahead, then robotically down at his book, and then slowly at Newman, who becomes too nervous to question Braun.

Newman; Right. Seeya!

Newman rushes off, watched by the silent Braun.

EXTERIOR FRONT DOOR OF A HOUSE

Newman knocks on the door, checks his notes, and is immediately nervous when a big, bald, guy with a goatee answers the door.

Man: WHAT?!

Newman ( nervously): I'd just like to ask you a few questions...if I may? Oh. I see you're weight training. Cool. Cool. How-how-how much can you press, by the way?

Bald Man (squints and stares at Newman): Hey...aren't you the guy that keeps stealing my Salami-of-The Month?!

Newman Yeeks!

Newman dashes off, as the big brute sneers, thinks about it, then chases Newman off-screen.

EXTERIOR SHOT - YET ANOTHER FRONT DOOR

Newman rings the bell, but his little demeanor is different this time. He's not nervous, and in fact he straightens his shirt and checks his breathe as the musical chime prompts the door to open. A tall, buxom woman answers the door, dressed in a black skirt below, but only a red floral bra on top. She's not wearing a shirt or blouse or anything to cover up the rest of her exposed form.

Newman (leering): Good morning...Ms. Mischke.

Sue Ellen Mischke (equally mischievously); Why, hello...Mr. Newman.

Newman; Your mail, Ms. Mischke.

Sue-Ellen Mischke (producing a Snickers bar from somewhere; Your...reward, Mr. Newman.

Newman grabs it, and smells it through the wrapper. He leers at her again.

Newman; Why Ms. Mischke...a Snickers bar? Isn't that...you know...a competitor of your wonderful Hershey Company?

Sue-Ellen Mischke (leaning towards him, as if she's going to kiss him); Oh. Is it? Well. I appear to be a naughty girl. A very...very...naughty girl.

Newman (shaking his head and trying to focus); Yes, you are. Naughty enough to...plant a bomb in a package?

Sue-Ellen Mischke (her mood broken, and insulted); Enough to what?

Newman; C'mon, sister! I'm running out of suspects! You must know something about the bomb?! You and your sugar-addict cronies are always trying to kill the competition! Only this time, 'kill' actually meant 'kill'!

Sue-Ellen Mischke; Get lost, weirdo!

She slams the door in his face, and Newman pauses, believing he might have misjudged her. The door swings open, and Sue-Ellen yanks the Snickers bar out of his hand, before slamming the door back I n his face.

EXTERIOR SHOT - AN ALLEYWAY

We find Newman in a dumpster, searching through the garbage, tossing paper and junk aside or out of the dumpster as he desperately looks for clues. From below we see a diminutive man walk up to the dumpster and watch. It's Mickey, Kramer's small actor friend. Newman stops and looks down at him, noticing that he's being watched.

Newman; Hey! Do I bother you when you go dumpster diving?!

Mickey; Hey, whatever feeds your fun, buster! Have fun. Only in New York!

Mickey walks away, as Newman continues to search the dumpster until squealing rats inside it panics him and makes him jump for the edge and try to climb out. A Girl Guide walks by and stops, looking up at him.

Girl Guide; If you just buy some of my cookies you wouldn't have to look for food in there, you know!

Shaking her head, she walks away and off-camera we hear a heavy thud, as Newman escapes the dumpster.

EXTERIOR SHOT - MONK'S CAFE

As we see the Café from the street, we see a police car driving in reverse, in the driver's seat is a police dog, hanging his head out the driver's side window, his tongue wagging, and mouth open as if smiling. Seconds later we see a policeman chasing the errant vehicle, his panicked voice muffled amongst the street noise.

INTERIOR SHOT - MONK'S CAFE

Inside we find Newman at a table, a half-eaten sub sandwich and extra large soda in front of him.

Newman; So that's when I did the unthinkable. I broke into the evidence locker and found the clues I'd been searching for. Maybe even enough to figure out who did it, but I know what happened with the blown up mail box.

Next we see Jerry, George, and Elaine sitting across from him, crammed into a booth that should only hold two people. George is on the end on the open side looking like he's listening to a crazy person, Elaine is squashed in the middle, listening, but unsure of what she's hearing , while Jerry is squeezed against her and the side wall, an expression of undisguised disgust on his face..

Jerry; I still don't care.

George; _ Why _are you here with us?

Newman (shifting un comfortably in his seat as he glances at Jerry; Because I had to tell _somebody! _ And you lunk heads are the only ones I can talk to before Kramer shows up! He's the one I _really_ want to talk about this with!

Jerry; Well, you could have spared us the gory details until you finished eating you little hors doeurve there!

Elaine (admonishing); Jerry!

Jerry; Hey, I'm sorry, but he told the story with his mouth full of food half the time! And wipe you mouth, willya! You've got mustard on it!

Newman quickly wipes his mouth.

George; And you've got mayonnaise on your forehead! God knows how _that_ got there!

Newman wipes his head, sneers and continues.

Newman; Okay, so here's what I found! It's going to freak you guys out like crazy!

He looks around the restaurant, and pulls out a charred piece of wood, and a broken piece of a bottle with a label on it, and places them on the table for the three to see.

Jerry; So?

Newman; Pay attention, Jokey McJokester! One is a backing of a special kind of cuckoo-clock! A clock that's been specially-built to not only cuckoo-coo on the hour extra louder, but to also tick extra loud! It's a cuckoo-clock for the hearing impaired!

Jerry (under his breath): I'm wishing_ I _was hearing-impaired right about now!

George; Who the heck would want a loud clock?

Newman; Who knows! But, that's half the clue right there! What I was hearing was the extra-loud ticking of that damned clock in the box!

Elaine; Okaaaay, but what made the mail box blow up?

Newman; This did! Or at least...

Kramer arrives and sits down beside Newman.

Newman; ...this was one part of the cause of the explosion.

Elaine picks up the glass, and squints, wiping off a little dirt from the label.

Elaine; Latvian Farmer's Red Wine?

Newman; Yes! And now I understand why my stomach was burning after just one glass! That stuff is like lighter fluid! It's horrible!

Jerry; All right, all right, Newman, so we've got a loud clock and some obscure wine! How did the mail box blow up!

Newman; Obviously, they wouldn't explode if brought together. However, if the wine bottle was broken, and leaked it's contents, it could ignite...if it was exposed to flame...or...a cigar, perhaps?

Newman slowly turns his head to look at Kramer, the others look at Kramer as if realizing who the culprit was, too. Kramer smiles for a few seconds, then begins to look surprised, as realization hits him like a ton of bricks.

EXTERIOR SHOT - THE PARK

In a flashback, Kramer is taking a leisurely walk in the park, spewing great clouds of grey smoke as he puffs away on a cigar.

Voice (off-camera); HEY! Put that out! You can't smoke that garbage here!

Kramer (not looking at the source of the outrage); Aw, c'mon, fella! It's a beautiful sunny morning, and I'm not hurting anyone.

Voice (off-camera); Yeah?! Well, maybe _we'll _hurt _you _instead!

Kramer (turning around): Hey, look, what's your prob-

Kramer's body fidgets like he's just gotten an electric shock- a gang of tough-looking bikers, the same guys that would yell at Newman, are staring hard at Kramer, looking for a fight. Outnumbered and outgunned, Kramer panics and stumbles over to a garbage container, and is about to drop his lit cigar into it.

Biker; Not in there! Are you crazy! You'll start a fire in our park! Throw it away somewhere else!

Kramer nods and looks around, but his choices are few. A biker follows him, so Kramer rushes his pace, finds nowhere to throw away the cigar, when he finally sees a mail box nearby. With the scary-looking biker following him, Kramer runs up to the box, opens up the big drawer and dumps the cigar into it, leaving it wide open, as he runs out of the park, the biker watching him and shaking his head before returning to his fellow gang members.

INTERIOR SHOT - MONK'S CAFE

Realization dawns on Kramer, and he points at the evidence on the table.

Kramer; It was my cigar that blew everything up! Or was it the wine? I guess it's a matter of semantics that'll puzzle specialists for ye-

George (deadpan); It was _you, _you numbskull!

Kramer (sarcastically); Well, okay, it _might _have been me, Detective Columbo!

Jerry; Okay, are we done here? I'm ready to leave! This whole sordid tale has ruined my appetite!

George, Elaine, and Jerry shuffle out of the booth, and head for the door.

Elaine; But, I'm still hungry! Let's get something to eat somewhere else!

Jerry; Like where?

Elaine; How about McDonald's?

Jerry and George look at her like she's speaking a foreign language.

Jerry; Mc...what?!

Jerry and George look at each other, but neither knows what she's talking about as they leave. Kramer slides out of the booth and sits on the other side where the three friends had just been sitting.

Kramer; So, what're you going to do now? Keep investigating?

Newman; What's to investigate? I figured out the exploding part. (He sees Kramer's discomfort, and smiles at his friend) Don't worry, pal- I'm keeping my mouth shut, and closing the book on this one. I won't tell my bosses the...role you played in all this. It'll just be filed under 'unexplained' and forgotten like that big mash-up in Costa Rica.

Kramer; What happened in Costa Rica?

Newman (becoming nervous, looks around the restaurant and fumbles as he hands Kramer a menu); J-just order something? Ferget it.

Kramer (mumbling as he checks the menu): I wonder what kind of wine they have here?

Newman (voice-over); So, mystery solved. I thought I was going to save the world, but what the heck? I'm not exactly built like Batman! Everything makes sense, except for that idiotic cuckoo-clock! What kind of nutcase builds a loud clock?!

EXTERIOR SHOT - FRANK AND ESTELLE COSTANZA'S HOUSE

A taxi drives by the house on a sunny day.

INTERIOR SHOT - THE BASEMENT

We find Frank Costanza in his basement, wood and gears, plastic, and little plastic birds scattered amongst loose parts and gears. He's intently gluing two sides together as loud Big Band Glenn Miller music is blaring throughout the house. His wife, Estelle, stomps down the stairs, her mood as sour as usual.

Estelle; Frank! FRAAANK! TURN DOWN THAT RACKET! THE NEIGHBORS ARE STARTING TO COMPLAIN!

Frank; TO HELL WITH THE NEIGHBORS! SINCE WHEN DO YOU CARE WHAT THE LOCKWOODS THINK, ANYWAY?!

Estelle; I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT OUR NEXT DOOR NEIGHBORS! I'M TALKING ABOUT OUR NEIGHBORS TWO BLOCKS FROM HERE! THEY CAN HEAR THIS NOISE ALL THE WAY DOWN THE STREET! TURN IT DOWN!

Frank; LEAVE ME TO MY PEACE, WIFE! I'M TRYING TO RELAX! SERENITY NOW! SERENITY NOW!

Estelle: YOU'RE INSANE! NOBODY'S GOING TO BUY YOUR LOUD CUCKOO CLOCKS!

Frank; I'M NOT SELLING THEM TO ANYBODY! THEY'RE GIFTS TO PEOPLE I ADMIRE! AND I'M INCLUDING A SPECIAL BOTTLE OF RED WINE WITH MY GIFT!

The camera pans to one side of Frank's workbench where numerous bottles of explosive Latvian Farmer's Red Wine are sitting, as well as a box with an address on it. A close-up of the label reads;

'TO;

THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

THE WHITE HOUSE,

WASHINGTON, D.C.,

UNITED STATES OF AMERICA'

CREDITS ROLL, AND FADE-OUT.


End file.
